Dealing With Myself

Suddenly my brain recall some memories from the past, bad and of course happy memories, because happiness will never happened without sadness. I feel 'WOW' to myself that somehow I still can stand up by my own foot and didn't lose my sanity.  I have been trough a lot of things, specially in this past three years, it is damn hard. There is a time that I couldn't handle myself anymore, I lose myself, I feel happy and sad in the same time, I even laugh and cry in the same time. The connection between my brain and my heart is not well synchronize. But then, thanks to my self awareness that sense something was not right. Thanks to my bravery to ask for professional help.

I never faking my happiness when I am with my friends, but at the same time my heart feel sadness. my brain and half of my heart accepting the warm of happiness, yet my other half heart said I can't enjoy happiness now. The crazy thing is, somehow I think I know the reason why I am being like this but I am not. No one know this, even my closest friend, that is not because I didn't believe them, but I just can't tell, I don't know how to tell them. 

I know that my blog is not popular and just have small chance to someone to read this, so I am being open to the world I create (my blog) that yeah sometimes I am not okay, but I know you too. Every people has their own life story.

My mother think that I am a strong women, because I create myself strong for my mom. But she never know that I cried a lot. I still the same person with five years old Mei my mom told that I am a cry baby back than. I am still the same cry baby tho, but I clever enough to hide it. Because, If I am not strong, my mom 'have to' be strong for us. 

I always rent a room with mates, so I will never feel alone, but since now I have my personal room that I never had before, the thoughts come up and gather and disturb me like crazy. Every single night, I never feel free from this 'overthinking' matter. my thoughts are stuck in the past specially bad memory. Nope, it always come together, bad and good memory. I even still stick on the person that have been died for 10 years and cried for it till now, how idiot I am. I just can't let him go from my mind, I used to love him much. I lost him even I never have him.

I tried to just let my feeling do what it wants. I will never hold it back as long as I am alone, it helps me feel more burden free. I can't tell freely about my emotion to someone, so it hard for me to get emotional support at the time I really need. Sometimes, I hope that my friend knows without my mouth need to tell, but they are not shaman, it would not happened. 

I accept myself whatever the conditions. :)